


Chalk it up to no Good

by peppermintal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Flirting, James Potter Being Supportive Yet Oblivious, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Pining, Remus Lupin Being a Lowkey Asshole?? You'll See..., Remus Lupin Being an Idiot, Remus Luping Being Clueless, Sirius Black Being Ridiculous, Sirius Black Flirts, Still I Must Write it, Token get together fic, overdone, trope-y
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-27 09:08:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9995432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermintal/pseuds/peppermintal
Summary: Sirius Black is in love and in serious need of assistance, Remus Lupin is in denial and in need of a wake-up call, James Potter is concerned but determined to keep everyone's friendships together, and Lily Evans is caught in the middle of it all. (Get together fic with a happy ending)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Remus POV chapter
> 
> First chapter of a good number (possibly 7-10? we'll see)  
> Hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think? :)

Remus had not intended on spending his first Friday back at the castle after summer holidays hunched over the very back-row seats of the quidditch pitch, holding binoculars and trying to remain as invisible as possible without the assistance of his dear friend James's cloak. It was, in fact, James who had put him up to this...He yawned... _erm, what is it, precisely, that I am here to do outside at this positively unholy hour in the morning again? Yes, spy detail._ Remus turned his back on the quidditch pitch, where the aforementioned James, blast him, was already _slaving_ away at practice, gliding around in slow circles turned upside down on his broom. Remus regarded him with a snort. _The fool, I can only imagine which particular redhead has got him in such a lovestruck mood today._ All in all, Remus Lupin stayed quite far away from love, as it happened that each month he transformed into an immensely feared, dangerous beast capable of killing without a second thought. Best to save any potential partners that kind of trouble.

His objective on this pleasant end-of-summer morning was espial: he was on the lookout for Sirius Black, his and James's friend, and one of the four sacred Marauders. He thought of last night, when James had pulled him aside in the Gryffindor common room, casting furtive glances around the room. Lupin knew this face, this demeanor. James Potter was in the early stages of plotting.

As soon as he had deemed the coast clear, James had said, "He's sneaking about, Moony, I know it! And yes, I know what you're thinking at me, we sneak about all the time, so what's the bother about? Well, as you can very well bloody guess by this conversation, he's sneaking about ALONE!" There was a pause. At this time in the conversation, trying to impart some of his own fervent passion onto the apparently nonplussed Remus, James had grabbed friend's shoulders and shook them. "WITHOUT me. Without any of us! Without even TELLING us!" James had said, dramatically emphasizing his words by speaking in a low hiss, punctuated by the occasional tightening of his hands on Remus's shoulders.

Remus had pondered for a moment, then gently lifted James's hands and dropped them. They fell and hung limply at his sides.

"I quite like to think Padfoot is a big boy now, Prongs. Perfectly capable of doing some things on his own time. Anyway, seeing that it’s Padfoot, he's most likely just off snogging some girl," Remus had said casually, moving to sit in one of the armchairs near the fire.

Of course, Remus himself wasn't entirely convinced by that explanation, and so it seemed, neither was James.

James snorted. "When have you known old Padfoot NOT to brag about all the 5th years he's been snogging behind the greenhouse? I would like to think he keeps us _too_ well informed in that area, Moony," James said, shuddering as if reliving the last vividly-detailed report Sirius had given last term on his various comings and goings with Elsie Robbins.

"Maybe he really fancies her. Doesn't want a certain moron out there ruining his chances," said Remus slyly, stalling as he attempted to find more logical explanations to give James. He was rewarded with a knock on the shoulder.

"Sirius?! Sirius, our friend Sirius _Black_ , the one and only Mr. Padfoot, _really_ fancying a girl?" James said, in utter disbelief Remus would even suggest something of the sort.

It truly would be well out-of-character for Sirius to want to keep a girl around for longer than a couple of days, but he supposed it could be possible. They were, after all, 6th years at Hogwarts. Maybe Sirius was finally starting to grow up. The bizarre concept left his mind as soon as it entered. This was Sirius they were talking about. _The day that man grows up_ , Remus thought, _I'll serenade a banshee_.

So it came to pass that Remus had agreed to spend a sunny Friday before classes keeping an eye out for any of Sirius's potentially suspicious behavior. James had reckoned he was leaving in the mornings, just as James went off to quidditch, and Remus to the library. Throughout the previous 5 years of their schooling, there were very few days indeed when Sirius (or Peter) had woken up more than 10 minutes before his first lesson of the day.

Remus lay flat on his stomach on the splintery wooden bench. Given his all-brown attire, he blended in quite nicely, without the help of a magical cloak. He picked up the binoculars dangling from his neck and searched for any signs of Sirius. They deduced that he must be coming out onto the grounds, as James insisted he smelled slightly more grassy than usual these days. As for why Remus didn't just locate him with the map...Remus had suggested he go without. If Sirius really was trying to hide something from them, may as well give him a fair chance at evasion. He combed the grounds, from the shores of the lake, to the broom shed, to the grassy lawn backed up against the side of the castle, to the edge of the Forbidden Forest far on his left.

Remus had his own motivations for wanting to know what Sirius was up to. Not that he was entirely sure what said motivations were, but nothing short of a profound interest could have dragged him out here, where he could easily get in trouble. Sirius had always intrigued Remus, from the very first time they had met. The first thing his 11-year-old self had noticed about the young boy who he had glanced on the Hogwarts Express was his eyes. A strong, unyielding grey, defiant and clearly afflicted. You could tell that Sirius had been tried and tested, though Remus wouldn't find out an inkling of the trials he had faced until after they became friends. He knew the look in those eyes, stood out to him as clear as day. It was the same look he knew he carried in his own.

Remus saw movement near the broom shed below. His reminiscences evaporated, and he trained his binoculars on the figure far below. Sure enough, he spotted the lively trot and bouncing black hair which identified the boy as Sirius. He hadn't expected to be so lucky right away. He followed Sirius closely, watching him stride out to the general direction of the pitch. Maybe he was just coming to watch James play after all, and this was an isolated incident. As Sirius drew closer, Remus focused in on his hands. He was carrying something. He realized what it was a second too late.

At that moment, Sirius had squinted down at the scrap of parchment in his hands, then looked straight up, to where he saw sandy-brown hair and a sheepish grin looking down at him. Remus could kick himself. _Of course he would have the map._  Luckily, he had stowed away the binoculars just in the nick of time. Sirius was yelling something up to Remus, and waving. Rather than trying to yell back down (which he knew would be pointless, and because he didn't want to make a scene) Remus swung himself over the short rail and began to climb down the outside of the pitch. This was a definite breach of the rules. If he was caught...but Remus knew that, in the shade of the tall stands, and wearing such inconspicuous colors, the chances were alarmingly low. In a manner of minutes, Remus had descended via the crisscrossing wooden beams and landed with a solid thump on the grass.

He glanced around for Sirius when he heard a long, low whistle from behind him.

"Well, well, Moony. Seems like I've got an admirer. Tailing me to find my infamous sex den, no doubt," A familiar, smooth voice said, "No luck today, I'm afraid, but come back to me in a week and I'll see what I can do for you." Sirius emerged from the shadows beneath the seats with a wink and his signature charming grin.

A curious feeling lodged itself just beneath Remus's rib cage. He supposed it was embarrassment at being caught. He countered with a smirk of his own. "In your dreams, Padfoot," Remus drawled.

"How did you know?!" Sirius gasped, jumping back in mock-horror. The two of them laughed easily and set off to the pitch entrance.

"So, is the devilish, tricky Padfoot going to tell his adoring fans why he's been sneaking around in the mornings at times ranging from approximately 6 to 9 a.m. on days including, but not limited to, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?" Remus said, all in one smooth breath. If he couldn't find out through furtive tactics, it was time to try a more direct approach.

Sirius sighed, "Moony, Moony, you musn't go sticking your nose into other people's business. Soon you'll end up like our dear old Snivellus!" Remus twinged slightly at the thought.

They had arrived at the pitch, and thoughts of the conversation were swept out of their minds by an alarmingly loud voice. "POTTER. ENOUGH'S ENOUGH. IF YOU CAN'T PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE FOR ONE BLOODY SECOND, I SWEAR ON MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER'S CURSED GRAVE THAT I WILL HANG YOU FROM A GOAL HOOP— _BY YOUR EARS!_ " screamed the voice which Sirius and Remus knew to belong to the Gryffindor quidditch captain.

When Remus looked up, he saw James clumsily hanging onto his broom handle by one arm and one leg, his round glasses dangling precariously off of his ear. He seemed too startled to move, an expression of shock and fear plastered to his face. Sirius roared with laughter, and Remus followed soon after. James glanced over at his friends and turned deep scarlet, trying to act as though he was laughing it off. They knew better. Sirius, overcome with mirth, leaned his weight onto Remus's shoulder, still laughing uproariously. Remus glimpsed down and saw bright, morning light on glowing silver eyes and dark, heavy lashes...His laughter died out almost instantly, and he straightened, forcing Sirius to as well.

"Oi, watch it," Sirius said, arm still wrapped around Remus's shoulder, "Thought you'd enjoy me throwing myself all over you, Mooony." His voice was pouty and petulant. Like small child who'd just been denied an ice cream cone. Sirius smirked and shook his head. He maintained eye contact with Remus for a couple of seconds. Remus felt like someone had stuck a wad of cotton where his brain should have been, and he was sure his eyes had gone totally blank. Suddenly, the clear morning air felt stifling and the gentle sunlight seemed far too harsh. Sunlight on shining eyes, eyes too bright. Sirius's expression almost...strained, in some manner. Then, with a careless toss of his head, Sirius stood and the moment was gone. Remus jolted back into reality as if someone had pinched him awake from a dark and foggy dream. The memory of the moment faded so quickly, it was almost as if it had never come.

"Let's go back to the castle," Remus said. A strange and eventful morning, yet Remus was still no closer to finding out why Sirius had been getting up at the crack of dawn each day, disappearing for a few hours, then coming back to the dormitory to pretend to be asleep when James and Sirius returned.

Remus Lupin was on a mission now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James POV chapter
> 
> Hope you enjoy! I tried my best.

James Potter was distracted during quidditch practice that day. Needless to say, it had led to utter, embarrassing, disaster. Surely Sirius wouldn't let him live that one down anytime soon. James could hear Sirius’s voice, somewhere between his right ear and his skull, already coming up with a wide range of material. ("I dunno Prongsie, maybe you should've taken up the offer. Your ears always were a little small, and you know what they say about wizards with small ears...Maybe then Evans would finally fancy you!") James let loose an involuntary groan as he packed away his quidditch bag and strode purposefully toward the castle.   
He really couldn't help being distracted, given the Serious Sirius Situation, as he had now dubbed it. Operations, plans, and schemes somehow always went better when they were given proper names.

He mulled over the various bits of facts and conclusions he had come to on the Sirius Situation. Which things were certain? 1) Sirius Black was undoubtedly, unavoidably up to something, and something rather significant. After all these years of friendship, James could practically smell it on him. 2) He believed this said "something" was in collaboration with another party, but who, he could not say. James had really no facts whatsoever to base this conclusion on, excepting a small, tight feeling of confidence deep in his gut. 3) Something was up with Moony, and he meant to get to the bottom of that, too. Remus had clearly been distracted since they had all returned from the holidays, and often James had caught him staring blankly at an open textbook without reading a word. James could practically _see_ Moony's brain popping out the top of his head and drifting around the room absently whenever these bouts hit him. This was a man with something on his mind, and therefore unable to have anything on his mind at all. James included Remus's unusual behavior in the Serious Sirius Situation because that strangely blank expression had washed over and out of his eyes twice—TWICE!—when James had been supplying Moony with the facts of the case. And frankly, he hadn't put up much of a fight when asked to assist with spying on Padfoot. That was reason enough for concern when it came to Moony.

As James's two best friends in the whole world grew stranger and stranger with each passing second, he was entirely decided that he wasn't about to let the whole lot of them fall apart. If James was anything, it was determined to a fault. He reached the castle, and made for the Gryffindor common room, where he knew he'd find the two boys preparing for their day, as always. He tossed his bags on the ground carelessly and set about gathering his assorted textbooks and other belongings scattered about the room.  
"Morning, boys," James said briskly, bracing himself for the onslaught that didn't come. He looked around, almost offended by the lack of the usual treatment of colorful insults. If he was going to get chewed out by MacDonald, he assumed it at least should warranted a couple hearty jabs, right? His disappointment was soon replaced with curiosity, as he saw that Padfoot and Moony were too busy throwing hearty jabs at each other to be worried about James's entrance. He focused in on the conversation that was unfolding, as they still seemed unaware of his presence.  
"—what you'd like to believe isn't it, Moonboy?" came Sirius's sneering voice. _Ooh, Padfoot called him Moonboy?! He's asking for it now,_ thought James.  
"Well, it would hardly come as a surprise to even the dimmest of fools, given your positively filthy reputation, Black," Moony countered. _This is going to be amusing_ , James decided.  
"If only my reputation was the filthiest thing about me..." Sirius drawled.  
"Yes, alright, we all know your todger's even worse, isn't it," Remus said.  
"Highly doubt that, the number of times it's been li—"  
"Well if you two are quite finished flirting, you’d best be heading off to classes soon, d'you think?" interrupted James, smirking and folding the newspaper he hadn't really been reading. As always, Sirius was ready to strike.  
"Ah, the hero returns at last. Has he succeeded in slaying the great MacDonald dragon, or has the beast given him a real thorough chewing out, sending our hero home in tears and bandages?" Sirius said with great dramatic flourish.  
"Well, my valiant life as the knight of the house of Gryffindor isn’t always easy," James sighed. He looked over to Moony, who was standing exactly where he'd been left when Sirius had strolled over to talk to James. He was facing away from James, but he swore he could see ears gone bright red sticking up from sandy hair. _When will the oddness end?_ thought James.  
"Say, Sir Padfoot, been on any great quests yourself lately?" James asked, using the same voice as one might asking if he'd like sugar in his tea.  
"Other than placing my newest model, motion-activated dung bombs in the Slytherin dungeons with you two days ago? Not particularly, just the day-to-day sort of mischief," Padfoot replied in the same boring tone, but staring at James fiendishly, one eyebrow twitching up in a quick I-dare-you-to-ask-me-more-James-Potter sort of way.   
"Padfoot, you wanker, you know perfectly well you're allowed to include us in your mischief-making, as much as ever before. It's not as if I've lost my touch, you know," James said. He pulled out his wand and casually flicked it in Sirius's direction, causing his wand to zoom out of his pocket and into James's open hand, quick as a wink. Point clearly proven, thought James smugly.  
Moony seemed ready to reenter the world of the living as he walked over swiftly, eyes clearing. Was James imagining the faint, leftover tinge of pink on his cheeks?  
"Suspect we ought to be off to our lessons shortly," said Remus.  
"Too bad for you two. I've got this hour free," said James, grinning.  
"Forgot you dropped out of ancient runes, fucking dunce," muttered Sirius grumpily, as he shoved various bundles of parchment and books carelessly in his bag and left with Remus.

Now, again, James had some time for considering and sorting. Thoughts and memories swirled around his brain like slippery, elusive eels. He took a deep breath and focused on those concerning Remus. At times like this, he could generally rely on his brain to supply him with the useful, meaningful thoughts which would lead him to a conclusion. Strange thing, really, it was almost as if he had thought everything out so fast, he didn't even have time to think about thinking before the thinking was over and done with. Downright bloody confusing.

He thought of the last time he had seen Moony acting stranger than usual. Last year, Moony had clearly spent a week agonizing over a decision, becoming restless and jumpy, and it concluded with him grabbing James by the tie and yanking him into a broom cupboard.

  
_Before James could even blink in surprise, Moony had sealed the door with magic, put a silencing charm on James, AND snatched his wand from his pocket. Fearing his faithful friend had gone mad, James threw himself against the door a couple times before Remus had gripped him by the arms with surprising strength for such a thin-looking boy. Then came the tidal wave of words, of which James registered about half. "—and listen to me, Prongs, it's better if you don't struggle, really, this is hard enough as is. I dunno if I'll ever work up the courage to get this out of me again so I better do it all at once without stopping, not that I could stop now if I tried. Because this really shouldn't be too hard, seeing as you're one of my best friends and you already know my biggest secret and this one should really be relatively minor in comparison. Nevertheless, that hardly makes it easier, as I have no idea about your personal thoughts on...James the fact of the matter is that I'm gay. (A pause.) I like boys. And not girls. To be quite clear. So you can understand. Yes." Remus had finished awkwardly, trembling only slightly, face bright red. He stood, growing redder by the second before— "Oh, right," —he released his vice grip on James and waved his wand. Remus had been looking at the floor now. "James, I understand if you—if you decide to seek company elsewhere from now on," he said very softly, and with great difficulty, "It's only—" but James had never heard the end of the sentence, just a mild “oof!” of surprise as James had bear-hugged him. Once Remus had timidly returned the embrace, James gave him a sharp smack on the top of his head._   
_"Moony, you tosser, how dare you think I'd just up and forget you over something so trivial. Besides, it's not like I haven't known for ages," James had said frankly. He had laughed at the look of shock on Remus's face before patting him on the shoulder and saying, "Mate, really, I'm not always as thick as I look. I had a feeling. No man looks so alarmingly green talking about girls unless he fancies the other sort." And with that, Remus had broke into a grin and embraced him again._

James looked back on the memory quite fondly.

However, the changes in Moony's behavior weren't like those of last time...yet somehow, James felt the two instances _must_ be related. He went off to class an hour later just as thoroughly confused as when he had first sat down.

It wasn't long, though, before a plan so obvious came to him that it felt like he had been whacked over the head by an angry goblin. Moony and Padfoot might not be so mysterious and secretive if they were under the particular, burning influence Ogden's Old Firewhiskey. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What IS Sirius up to? Time to find out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius POV
> 
> Had a lot of fun writing this one. Hope you enjoy!

Sirius Black was, in fact, up to something. And his friends had caught on. Not that they'd believe him if he told the truth. It wasn't, by any means, his typical sort of mischief, that was true, and some may not even have classified it as mischief at all. The fact of the matter was that Sirius was meeting a girl, but not the way he normally met girls on the school grounds. For Sirius, it was the antithesis of his normal.  
Twice a week, since the beginning of the school year, Sirius had been sneaking down to the broom shed to meet Lily Evans. Top of the year, and the object of his best friend's admiration, to boot.  
In truth, he had been meeting Evans to talk. Well, she damn near dragged him there, more like it, the kind soul she is. Thinks she's doing Sirius a favor! Not that Sirius had stopped going...  
Now, their relationship, if you can even say such a thing even existed, was never really...friendly...per se. And Sirius could still confidently say that Lily Evans did NOT enjoy his company in the slightest.  
The reason Evans was meeting Sirius is because she had guessed.  
She had guessed, and she had been right, and she was determined to help Sirius.   
As Sirius lay awake in his four-poster waiting for James to leave for quidditch, he remembered what had happened on his first morning back from the summer holidays.

-

Sirius had awoken to find a familiar redhead standing over his bed, casting secretive looks around. He tried to call out in surprise, but found his voice magically silenced. Lily Evans noticed he was awake, and swiftly dragged him up and into the corridor. Once the dormitory door had been shut again, and Sirius was finally starting to wake up enough to realize what was going on, Lily un-muted him.  
"What the fuck is this?" Sirius whispered, confused and unhappy about his unexpected departure from the warm bed.   
"An intervention. Sirius Black, I can hardly stand to watch you anymore, it's driving me up the wall. You need help, because it's clear to me you may never get there on your own," Lily said, almost viciously. Hardly the tone to take when offering help. Sirius narrowed his eyes. What was she playing at?  
"What are you on about? I don't need your help with anything!" Sirius hissed. He really had no idea what was going on, and it made him angrier by the second.   
"Remus," Lily said intensely, as if that should have explained everything.   
Sirius's stomach dropped in the same way it did when he forgot to jump a trick step. Instantly fearing she had found out about Moony's furry little problem, Sirius had said, "What's HE got to do with anything?"   
Then, another possible explanation for Lily bringing up Moony's name came to mind. Oh. _Oh no_. Sirius felt heat boil and rise up inside him, something which almost never happened to him. She had guessed. How had she guessed?! Curse Lily Evans and her creepy, altruistic, telepathic, empathetic powers. It turns out, no one was safe from them, no matter how "juvenile, reckless, selfish, and repulsive" they were. Lily's words, not his own. Sirius would never presume to give himself enough credit to be called juvenile. He knew he was downright childish.  
"Christ, Sirius. The way you look at him when you think no one's watching, I'm positively _astounded_ no one else seems to have caught on. Yet, you still manage to avoid confronting Remus OR yourself, day after day, year after year, and it's getting frankly exhausting to watch. You need help. And, Merlin help me, I don't think anyone else is about to give it to you," Lily said, sounding incredibly pained. Sirius opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to decide fast enough whether to deny it or not. Lily had shaken her head and made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a scoff.  
"Sirius Black, who always has a remark about _everything_ , lost for words. I expected hell to freeze over first."   
Sirius, hoping to catch Lily off-guard and get back in control of the situation, had replied with the thing that would surprise her most. It also happened to be the truth. But of course, that didn't matter.  
"You're right," Sirius said.   
Lily took a deep breath in, obviously having had a lecture prepared for when Sirius inevitably protested. Then, his words seemed to finally reach her brain, and Lily stopped, short-circuiting. She recovered quickly.  
"Of course I am, you arse. Don't get clever with me. All I want is to talk to you. That's it. Come with me and we'll find a better place to do this," Lily warned, still taking up her usual annoyed tone despite the unusual conversation.   
"Sirius." Lily sighed deeply and rolled her eyes, muttering a fast and exasperated stream of words. Sirius managed to catch some gems like "utterly thick" "mental plan, this was" and " _boys!_ " among other things. It seemed that if he didn't butt in, Lily would be happy enough continuing their conversation without him.  
"Look. If I do somehow convince myself to agree with this—this—counseling session," Sirius said, sounding as impatient as he felt, "I can trust you'll keep this all...quiet...right? Because, I—well—the thing is no one can find out. I—erm—well...people don't know about what I'm—about WHO I like, if you understand me. And, erm, by people, I specifically mean Pr—James and Remus and Peter."

Sirius had (to his own great dismay) grown more flustered with each word he managed to stammer out.  _Apparently_ , Lily had thought it amusing, somehow, to see Sirius Black blushing and asking her to keep secrets about boys from his best friends. When Sirius had managed to peel his eyes off his suddenly fascinating socks, Lily entirely failing to hide her victorious smirk.  
"Don't think I won't jinx you just 'cause you're a girl," spat Sirius, pointing a finger at her threateningly. He was trying to mean it, but the scent of daises lingered in the corridor, distracting him. That scent followed Lily Evans wherever she went.  
"I'm not so sure if that's the best course of action, Sirius. James might never forgive you if I ended up in the hospital wing with boils and the name of the boy who gave them to me," Lily said, almost smugly. She had him cornered. His face was now an astounding shade of crimson.   
"I—I—rrrRRR—OH that's it! I give in. Fucking blackmail, that's what this is, but I give in," Sirius said, now pacing angrily.   
"Wonderful!" Lily said, beaming, "Let's go."  
"Now?!"  
"Now." said Lily exasperatedly.

-

And so they had had their first impromptu "counseling" session, which was absolutely _not_ what Sirius preferred to think of it as. Sirius had been stupendously stubborn the first time, and Lily was barely able to get more out of him than a string of angry threats and curse words. But now, one week since their second planned meeting (which didn't happen because Sirius had spotted Remus at the quidditch pitch with binoculars) he had begun to loosen his determined obstinacy. But mostly out of annoyance at Lily's nagging, of course. It wasn't like he wanted to...No, definitely not. Sirius was not about to let himself go _that_ soft.

Fifteen minutes later, Sirius was leaned back against the rough, wooden walls of the broom shed, staring at the drips of silver-grey rainwater falling down through the cracks in the roof.   
"Sometimes I question whether you even hear what I say," said Lily. Sirius heard the very soft and all-too-familiar sound of her rubbing her temples with her thumb and forefinger.  
"Of course I was listening! I'm just...thinking," Sirius replied snappily.  
He hadn't heard a word.  
"Well, as I was _trying_ to tell you, I think it would be good for you to tell someone. Just the fact that you're...not exactly how you seem," she said delicately, "Of your own free will, and in your own time."  
"I've told you, haven't I?" Sirius replied.  
"The worst part is: No, you haven't. In fact, it's our third counsel— _little_ _talk—_ and I think you've only managed to get out about twenty words in total that weren't expletives." Lily said.  
"Fine, then. I'm not straight. I like boys. I've thought about snogging a boy. Never actually have, though," Sirius said, trying to keep his voice as disinterested and confident as possible. He didn't mention that there was only ever one boy he really thought about snogging...  
"Like THAT. Exactly. Didn't it feel good? Now, imagine how it will feel telling it to someone who you actually _enjoy_ being in the company of," Lily said. She sounded more tired than usual today. Something in the breathlessness of her voice and the strain in her pauses.   
Although Sirius would never tell Lily, it did feel like a certain weight had come free from his chest, dropping away and leaving him feeling just a bit lighter.  
"I have it on good confidence that none of your mates are about to judge you. You're all quite friendly with a werewolf, for god's sake," Lily said, forgetting she wasn't supposed to know that.  
The small, nagging frustration in Sirius's chest suddenly swelled into pure anger. Sirius straightened suddenly, meeting her eyes with a dangerous fire.   
"Now, listen, I don't know how you found out, but don't—even— _think—_ about saying a word against Remus. He's not his condition," he said, with so much venom that Lily's eyes widened in fear for a good half-second, accompanied by a very soft gasp.  
"I've known for quite a while. It's the only explanation. And Sirius, you can have complete confidence that I would never speak a word against Remus. We're friends, and he's one of the kindest, cleverest people I know. It doesn't matter what someone is, only who they choose to be," Lily said breathlessly, coming closer to Sirius.

Sirius felt a torrent of different emotions flow through him at once. Anger, at Lily, for knowing what no one should know. Pride, at himself, for standing up for his friend. Respect, for Lily, for knowing what no one should know and not caring. Disappointment, in himself, for not feeling brave enough to confront what should be confronted. Anger, at himself, for being so pathetic. And mostly, confusion, in general, for having so many odd and conflicting feelings at once.

"I think that's enough for today," Lily said. To Sirius, it seemed enough for a year. Sometimes he was grateful for her gift of perceptiveness. She turned and left the shed. Sirius looked up in time to see a last flash of fiery hair rounding the corner. The scent of daisies lingered.

Sirius's thoughts tumbled one over another like boulders down a hill. He thought about Lily. He still couldn't quite manage to work out why she was helping, and even if she was helping him. If anything, their last three meetings had just made him feel as if he was swimming through a crystal ball, surrounded by shimmering, shifting shapes too close to focus on yet too far away to grasp. Normally, his mind was so black-and-white. He knew what he was doing. He knew what to do next. He knew who he was. Then, Lily had turned it all topsy-turvy on him. At least, it was easier to blame it on her. He didn't want to consider the alternative, that this part of his mind had existed for a long time, and was growing each day.

There were so many risks and what-ifs...for a fleeting moment, Sirius allowed himself enough just enough freedom to imagine what it could be like if Remus and he...No. Sirius wanted what was safe, familiar, and comfortable...

...Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OhooooooHOOO
> 
> I'm excited about where this is going...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James gets Remus drunk, and finally everything makes sense. Well, almost everything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James POV
> 
> Aaaaaahhhh! This chapter was really fun to write, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed making it!

Chapter 4

James

James Potter was ready. The Sousing Strategy was underway. Bottle of firewhiskey in hand, he crept away from the din in the common room, and up the stairs to his dormitory. He opened the door and popped his head into the room, where—just as he had expected—Moony and Wormtail sat on their beds, talking casually. As he entered, the two boys looked up.  
"Hello, Prongs!" called Wormtail brightly.  
"James," said Moony nonchalantly, "I would not have expected you to flee the party so quickly, being that your 100 individually scored points are the reason for the celebration."  
"Oh, but Moony! You misunderstand, the party has only just begun," James said, a mischievous gleam in his eye. He pulled the bottle out from behind his back and displayed it as one would if he presenting a lavish gift to an esteemed guest. He paired it with a wide, crooked grin.  
Wormtail called out in excitement, a drawn out _ooooh_ , as if he had just seen a particularly impressive and colorful firework. His eyes sparkled, reflecting the imaginary bursts and sparks.  
Remus, however, met James's with a penetrating stare. He looked down at the bottle, then back up at James, narrowing his eyes.  
"Come on boys, let's have a bit of fun while Padfoot's in detention. Got to give him _something_ to be jealous of. That way the bloody moron might not get caught the next time he's carrying out important missions for the loyal brotherhood," James said with a wink.  
Peter sat up straighter in his bed and grinned at James, and Remus's searching expression shifted into a more agreeable one. _I won't mind_ , his face said. Moony didn't have a problem with drinking within reason. James thought maybe Remus would if he remembered half the things that came out of his mouth when he drank.  
"Well, come on, then! Gather 'round," James said, beckoning for them to join him on the floor, leaned up against Remus's bed.  
James cracked open the firewhiskey and waved away the small cloud of smoke that puffed up and over the lip of the bottle. He raised it to his lips and pretended to take a hearty swig. Whatever information he might be able to squeeze out of Moony wouldn't be any good if he couldn't remember it or process it fully. James winced, trying to picture the familiar sensation of strong firewhiskey blazing down his throat.  
"Whoo!" James said, rocking back and forth a little, "Down the hatch, Moony." He passed the bottle to Remus, who took a real gulp. James watched happy color spread gently across his face, and gather at his cheeks, his ears, and the end of his thin nose. James knew that Remus would still have a fair few more gulps to take before he was truly, rightly drunk. At least, drunk enough to forget about secrecy. Remus passed the bottle along to Peter, who took a small swig. Peter didn't care much for drinking. He claimed he didn't like it because it made him forget all the hilarious things his friends had done while they were drunk. James thought maybe it had more to do with an unfortunate bed-wetting instance in their 4th year.

  
James sincerely enjoyed seeing Moony drunk. In his day to day life, Remus was altogether quite reserved, and occasionally downright shy. He held his tongue in class. He didn't crack jokes loudly all through their meals. He didn't call down corridors to his friends. He didn't really participate in ANY of those loud, intrusive sort of behaviors that James and Sirius considered it their duty to partake in. As much as James loved messing about, a small part of him greatly admired Remus for being so...respectable. Though, of course, he would never admit it to a soul, particularly not Remus.  
However, after taking in a considerable and, if James must say so, impressive amount of firewhiskey, Moony seemed to lose all such reservations. When drunk, Remus spoke as if the filter between his thoughts and his words had been alcohol-soluble.

  
The first time they had gotten drunk together was especially memorable to James. It was on the last day of their term in third year, and James and Sirius had somehow managed to coax the old barkeep of the Hogshead to sell them a bottle of enchanted ale that could magically refill itself if it sensed more fun was still to be had. Excited to try it out, and entirely inexperienced at drinking, James and Sirius had gotten nearly black-out drunk by the end of the night. Remus, although he drank the most of them all, wasn't quite as affected. James remembered watching in wonder as Remus had yelled and shot insults and cursed more fluently than he could have ever done without the influence of alcohol. Thankfully for Remus, he had a hard time remembering anything that had happened to him while under the influence. Among other things, Moony was also made a good deal more suggestible, and would take nearly any dare offered to him. Sirius had a _lot_ of fun abusing those particular characteristics over the years...  
Many good memories had come out of that magical bottle. That is, until last year, when Sirius had accidentally shattered it, thus releasing a colossal flood that had filled their dormitory with several feet of magical beer.

Over the course of the hour that followed, James watched his two friends become increasingly drunk. For Peter, it showed in his shoulders as they gradually drooped and slouched forward, and his arms as they grew ever more enthusiastic to make wild gestures. For Remus, it showed in his smile as it grew reckless and eager to spit out words, and his eyes, which flashed and twinkled brighter as different thoughts and emotions passed through him. James himself drank just enough to feel the small fire burn in his gut that seemed to send strength to his limbs and vitality to his mind. They talked about a good many things. Teachers, homework, who had been sleeping with who. Quidditch, owls, the Daily Prophet. Memories of past adventures, plans for future ones...

...After another hour, things had progressed considerably. Wormtail had fallen asleep, sitting upright on his bed, still dressed in his daytime sweater and jeans. James, although he wasn't drunk, had definitely had more to drink than was initially planned. He was now perched on the single, rickety wooden chair in their dormitory. With one leg resting on top of his trunk in the center of the room, he was leaned precariously far back. It was as if James was daring the chair to break or his balance to fail. Remus, on the other hand, was sitting on top of the windowsill, knees tucked to his chest. He had conjured an apple, and now seemed to be reciting some sort of poetry to it.  
"—and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. —Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment—" Remus drawled. Listening to the gentle lilt of Moony's voice, with all the subtle changes in pitch and tone and volume, James was suddenly aware of how talented Remus was as an actor. It shouldn't really have been surprising, given how quick and convincing he was at lying. Sometimes even James found it hard to tell when he wasn't telling the truth, and that was something he was uncannily good at. _Wait a minute..._  
James could have kicked himself. He had been enjoying himself too much. He had forgotten the plan. No more messing around, now. Remus was still reciting.  
"—let her paint an inch thick, to this favor she must come —"  
"Moony?" James interrupted.  
"Prongs?" said Remus.  
"What's with the prose?" James asked tilting his head all the way back to look at Remus upside down.  
"Oh James, dear. You wouldn't know literature if it bit you by your tragically incognizant arse," Remus mused, "Shakespeare, Prongs. The most accomplished and universally acclaimed playwright ever to walk this gracious earth. If you were to ask me, it matters very little that the man was a muggle. _Despite_ his quite distressing take on witchcraft."  
"Ah, it's that bloody Snake-spear bloke again, is it? Should have known..." James said. Enough small talk.  
"Moony, you've been acting strange lately. Ever since we've got back from holidays," James said.  
"Mmph. Have I?" Remus said casually, turning his attention away from the apple.  
"You know you have, mate," said James.  
"Now that you call it to my attention, I do suppose I have. 'Been acting strange' is rather imprecise, in my opinion. Distracted. That's more or less correct. Maybe less is more. Less...and more. Locked to each other by the definitions of their existences. The notion of more can only survive in the house where the familiarity of less has already dwelt. And here, I have dwelt in the less for long enough. More and more _less_ collects and conglomerates into great pillars and towers around me, until I am encased in my own castle of security and skepticism. But, there, outside the gates of refuge lies hope for more. Dare I leave? Dare I take that chance? What if more simply becomes less and less until there is no _more_ left?" Remus said, more in his own mind than out loud.  
Nonetheless, James took in every word, trying to decode Moony's labyrinthine thoughts. In his present state, it felt like trying to wrangle a snake in tall grass. He took a shot in the dark.  
"What is the _more_ you're searching for, Remus," said James.  
"And so have we arrived at the very cornerstone of my dilemma, Prongs," Remus said, "Something familiar inside me has grown and twisted until it, at last, has reached altogether uncharted territory."  
Remus was now facing James. His face was cast into shadow, but his outline glowed starkly in contrast from the light of the waning moon shining through the window behind him. In the lighting, James thought he looked almost ghostly.  
"What's different now than before?" James said. His instincts were guiding him now.  
"Feelings I can't name. Sensations I can't place," Sirius said.  
"Such as...?" James asked. Answers were so close, he could taste them.  
"Little dips and swings in my stomach at the turn of a moment. Tight twinges in my chest at the cusp of a conversation. Feeling the air go stale inside my lungs while it waits for words I could never say. Eyes gone blank while the thoughts of him swirl around and around so fast my brain gets dizzy. I've felt it for a while now, but always I have pushed it away, back into the shadows and away from the risk. If only I could ignore it now. These poisonous thoughts that cause ruin and pain, embarrassment and shame...It doesn't matter and it never will," Remus said. He raised the bottle of firewhiskey in a silent toast.

Suddenly, James was so sure. So sure that it seemed he had never really been sure of anything before this moment. It was as if someone had just told him he'd been trying to read a book upside down.

Remus was in love with Sirius.

_But he wouldn't remember it in the morning._


End file.
